Masks
by JerichoGirl
Summary: A collection of Oneshots. Everyone wears a mask no matter who you are, whether its to hide the inner turmoil within or your true intentions. These Oneshots explore the masks that the GAANG wore during the quest to defeat the Fire Lord and beyond.
1. Chapter 1

I do not own the Avatar: The Last Airbender or any characters within them.

**Just a Kid**

I stare out at the stars twinkling in the vastness of the night sky. Usually, I would be admiring the beauty of the myriad of shimmering globes contrasting against the blackness, but not tonight. My mind was elsewhere. Avatar Roku's words still echoed in my mind:

"_Aang you must defeat the Fire Lord before the comet arrives."_

"_But I haven't even started learning waterbending, not mention earth and fire."_

"_Mastering the elements takes years of discipline and practice. But if the world is to survive, you must do it by summer's end."_

I sigh, absently gripping Appa's reins. I have to master three elements, which usually takes most people years, in a matter of months and on top of that I'm supposed to save the entire world. Spirits, what am I supposed to do? How in the heck do I take in this news? How do I react? I'm just a twelve year old kid, how can I save the world? Avatar Roku couldn't even stop Sozin from harnessing the power of the comet and he had been a seasoned old man not a kid like me. What am I supposed to do?

"Aang?" I hear Katara ask.

Katara and Sokka, two of my closest human friends. They had extended comfort to me a little while ago and for a brief amount it had helped, but now all of it came rushing back, taunting me mercilessly. "Yeah Katara?" I look over my shoulder, gazing at Katara trying to concentrate on her face and not the way the wind plays in her brown hair.

"Are you okay?"

I turn my head away so she can't see the anguish in my eyes. I can't let them see my fear. I can't let them see my worry. So I conceal my true feelings and let them see only what I want them to see. "I'm fine, just a little overwhelmed is all." A glimpse, a glimpse of my inner turmoil is all I can give them. Never, will I allow them to see how far into the abyss my anguish goes, for fear they would begin to feel despair. After all, I'm the Avatar and I'm supposed to be strong.

I can't see it, but I know her blue depths are shining with fierce determination when she speaks. "It'll work out Aang. You'll see. You'll master water, earth, and fire, defeat the Fire Lord, and save the world. I know it."

Good ol' Katara, always there to give you that extra little boost of confidence when you need it. I depend on her for that and so does Sokka. She's the glue that keeps the group together. "Thanks Katara, I really needed to hear that." I answer honestly. It helps to an extent, but wishful thinking is different than what truly happens. So, I look back at her and flash a spirited smile and glance at Sokka who's sleeping serenely in the corner of Appa's saddle. These two people depend on me, just like the rest of the world and I can't let them see my distress. So, I conceal my true feelings and let them see only what I want them to see.

* * *

Months pass and I found my earthbending teacher, Toph Bei-Fong. I thought earthbending would be easy, that it was just moving rocks and bending the ground to your will. I mean out of all of the elements, it seems to be the less spiritual one. I was wrong. Spirits was I wrong. Toph had been drilling me relentlessly and I had been succeeding at passing through each trial, until she decided to push this huge boulder down a hill at me. Not only that, she tied my belt around my eyes, so I couldn't see a darn thing! So, there I am standing at the bottom of a hill listening as this enormous boulder hurtles towards me like a saber-toothed moose lion intent on squashing me like a pancake. I panicked and I remember the conversation so clearly:

"_I guess I just panicked. I don't know what to say." I answered honestly while trying to avoid Toph's disapproving glare._

"_There's nothing to say. You blew it. You had a perfect stance and a perfect form, but, when it came down to it, you just didn't have the guts." _

_She gave me a light punch to the chest that sent me to the ground. I sat humbly at her feet, crossing my legs, just as any pupil would sit when he seeks his master's approval. "I know. _

_I'm sorry." She leaned down and looked me right in the face and even though she is blind, her eyes still exude the disappointment and frustration that I feel within myself. _

"_Yeah you are sorry. If you're not tough enough to stop the rock, and then at least give it the pleasure of smushing you instead of jumping out of the way like a jelly-boned wimp! Now, do you have what it takes to face that rock like an earthbender!"_

_I searched my heart and spoke what I felt inside even though it burned me to admit it. "No. I don't think so."_

Katara had suggested that we go practice waterbending and right now, that's exactly what we were doing. Any other time, I would be flanking Katara, but this time, I drag behind. My stride mirrors what I feel inside, distraught, troubled, and beside myself with dejection. Toph had high hopes for me and so did I, but now she was disappointed in me. And I was disappointed in myself. What the heck was I supposed to do now? I'm the Avatar and I'm supposed to master three elements and I can't even stop a boulder! Not being able to stop a boulder means I can't even begin to earthbend. The heavy burden that seemed to lighten over the past months comes crashing down upon me with the fury of a thousand lion turtles. Tears sting my eyes. If I can't learn earthbending, then I can't master all the elements. If I can't master all the elements then I can't defeat the Fire Lord before summer's end. And if I can't defeat the Fire Lord by summer's end he will harness the power of Sozin's Comet. If he harnesses the power of Sozin's Comet, then all is lost and he will conquer the world, throwing balance to the wind and plunging everyone into darkness. Chaos will ensue if I don't defeat the Fire Lord. The world is depending one, I can't let them down. I swallow, trying to wet my mouth which oddly feels like cotton at the moment. The world is depending up me, Aang, an Air Nomad from the Southern Air Temple. But, I'm just a kid. I glance up when I hear the merry gurgling of water.

"Here we are." Katara says and begins to strip down to her undergarments.

I turn my head, my cheeks burning intensely. For once today, my mind isn't on earthbending. Still, though, it looms in the distance, mocking me endlessly. We practice waterbending for a while and Katara gives me some words of encouragement, which I so aptly need. I can see it in her blue depths; Katara wants me to feel better. She wants me to smile and not to lose hope. I look at her and muster a whole-hearted smile, but not out of happiness. I smile because she wants me to, because it will bring her joy. Inside, however, it feels like someone has punched me in the gut. I can't let her see the intensity of anguish that gnaws at me. So I put on that happy-go-lucky kid face I have come so good at displaying, and lead her to believe that all is well.

* * *

Months pass yet again and I have witnessed many unspeakable things. I have witnessed the uncertain death of Jet, the fall of Ba Sing Se, and the imprisonment of our allies after the Day of Black Sun failed. Now, I'm currently learning how to firebend from Zuko, once my greatest enemy. I've tried firebending before and, because of a lack of discipline and control, I burned Katara, and after that I said I'd never firebend again. Now look at me. I feel like I have the discipline needed this time and this time around I'm going to master firebending no matter what happens. Because the Fire Lord must be defeated and I'm the only one that can do it and restore balance to the world. I know that Sokka, Toph, Suki, Katara, and Zuko will play their part, but ultimately the burden falls to me. I will face the Fire Lord. I, a thirteen year old boy, will face the most powerful firebender on the Earth.

I come back to my senses and, mimicking Zuko's movement, send a burst of fire from my fist. I focus and follow through with the same movements of him, executing a combination of strikes, sending fire forth each and every time, until sweat drips down my face. I_ must_ learn firebending. I _must_ master it. I_ must_ defeat the Fire Lord.

Zuko looks down at me sternly. He approves of our practice session today. I know this, even though he doesn't smile. He gazes out at the setting sun. We've been practicing since noon, and no doubt he thinks I need rest. "That's it for the day."

I nod, even though I want to keep going, and bow to him respectfully. "Okay."

He looks at me curiously. Those amber eyes peer straight through me as if he knows what I'm feeling. "Try and get some rest. We'll pick up where we left off tomorrow." He commands, then turns and walks away.

Night sets in and the camp is silent as everyone slumbers peacefully. I raise from my place on Appa's very accommodating tail and tiptoe past everyone, making sure to airbend my way past Toph. She's blind, but she can sense even the slightest movement. I creep to a secret spot in the temple and begin to firebend, trying a move a saw Zuko do once when we were fighting. Hours later, I'm still at it. My arms feel like lead, my legs are like jell-o, and sweat pours down my face. I'm tired, so tired. I take in a hard breath and take my stance. Once again, I attempt the move and failure rises up to meet me for the umpteenth time. I let out a silent cry of frustration and grab my head, my nails digging into my scalp. I'm not ready and I know it, and it sends me reeling. I crumble to the stone ground and place my face between my knees, allowing my tears to flow unbidden. What am I supposed to do now? I'm not ready and the comet is only a few weeks away. What do I do now? How do I fight someone when I'm not ready?

* * *

I land on top of the crag and stand there, gazing at the war blimps flying towards me. The others and I had decided to wait until after Sozin's Comet to defeat the Fire Lord. But that all changed after Zuko told us about the genocide of the Earth Kingdom that his father planned. Now, to prevent another race from being wiped out, I must face him. I pat the lemur sitting with his tail wrapped around my neck. "Time for you to go Momo." This time, he does as he's told, as if he knows the oncoming peril, and flies away, chattering nervously. I hope he'll be okay.

I stare determinedly at the foremost ship and the regally dressed man standing upon the platform at the bottom. Fire Lord Ozai, the most powerful firebender in the world. I have to fight him, me, a boy fighting a man, a student fighting a master. I take a breath, my eyes darting at the fiery red sky as the comet enters the atmosphere. I take my earthbending stance and begin rending chunks of the crag that I stand upon, hurling them into the oncoming vessel that houses the Fire Lord. The boulders hurtle through the air, directly hitting the war blimp each time, causing it to shake. I gain some satisfaction when smoke rises from the contraption and it begins to lose altitude.

The Fire Lord jumps from the platform and begins using his firebending to propel himself through the air like a rocket. He's coming straight at me.

I look into his eyes as he grows nearer and what I see frightens me. Never in my life have I seen such hatred, such evil, such malevolence in a person's eyes, not even in Zuko's eyes when we came face to face all those times. His eyes are a bottomless abyss and at the bottom is hell. He wants my blood and my death more than anything he has ever wanted before; I can see it in those cruel amber eyes. His hair flies all over his head and his eyes take on a crazed look like a starved panther cat running amok.

I'm scared. Spirit I'm so afraid that it's all I can do to keep my knees from wobbling. Why? Why now? Why after all the unspeakable things I've seen, after almost dying, and after so much does my courage start to fail me? My fear sickens and angers me all at once. Monk Giatsou's words rise into my mind:

"_Aang, through fear comes courage and courage through fear. Neither can exist without the other, never forget that my pupil."_

Fire Lord Ozai is merely yards away from me. I swallow, desperately trying to wet my parched throat and run a tongue over my dry lips. This it. This will be the fight of my life and I know it. But the simple fact is that the Fire Lord must be stopped. Yes, I'm scared out of mind, yes I am just a kid, but I am also the Avatar and I _will_ bring balance to the world.

* * *

**Okay, this is my first Avatar Fic. Yay! Anyhow, I hope you all like it. Constructive criticism is very welcome. Read and Review por favor. Thanx**

**Love ya**


	2. Nothing Special

I do not own Avatar: The Last Airbender.

This one takes place around the episode "Sokka's Master" but it's just from Sokka's POV.

**Nothing Special**

Everything was going just great and it was a normal night, but really what is normal for us, until this meteor fell from the sky. Now we're flying through the air on Appa towards the direction it fell. Fire rises from the crater that the meteor created. Katara voices what we all feel.

"The fire's going to destroy the town." She states.

"Not if we can help it." Aang says determinedly.

I let out a silent moan. Here we go. They're all going to start bending their elements to their will and save the town while I stand on the sidelines and probably watch Momo or something. Aang, Toph and I jump from Appa's back and land on the ground, while Katara grabs the sky bison's reins.

"There's a creek over there, I'll bend the water onto the fire." Katara announces and flies off.

Aang doesn't even glance my way when he speaks. "Toph, let's make a trench to keep the fire from coming any closer." He says urgently.

My heart falls to the ground. "What should I do?" I ask, trying not to sound so dejected but failing miserably.

Aang looks back at me just as Momo flies past. "Keep an eye on Momo."

Momo lands on my head, wrapping his prehensile tail around my neck. Indignity flexes itself within me. "So what am I just a lemur sitter?" I ask a bit exasperatedly. Momo chatters, as if to let me know that I hurt his feelings. "There, there, feel better." I pet his head soothingly. I stand there, out of the way as usual, watching as they bend their designated elements. Aang and Toph move in unison to bend a trench in the ground so that the fire can't get to the village.

Embers fall all around me and Momo and while I'm trying to put out one, the lemur puts out the rest. I frown and sigh heavily. Even the lemur is more of an asset to the team than me. Katara, a prodigy waterbender, bends a huge orb of water onto the village, extinguishing any fires that were burning. Watching them all bend just makes me feel worse than ever. Why did I even come here? I should have just stayed at camp and went to bed like I started, maybe then I wouldn't feel like a fourth wheel.

"Stand clear." I hear Aang says while bending the orb of water that Katara passes him.

I restrain the sigh that seeks to leave my lungs. "Right, stand clear. Got it." I stand, pick up Momo, and begin to walk away. Out of nowhere, this mountain of snow falls on top of me, burying me beneath it.

"Good work everybody." I hear Aang say cheerfully.

I emerge from the snow. Yeah great job everybody. Except Sokka. This sucks. Later that night while everyone else sleeps I lay awake in my sleeping bag. This sucks. I am the only one in the group that can't do anything. Katara is a waterbending master at fifteen; Toph is a blind earthbending master that can bend metal, and Aang? Aang is the Avatar for crying out loud! And me? I'm just Katara's older brother that brings nothing to the table. Sure, I'm a Watertribe warrior, but heck, I ain't even the best at that. Sometimes I feel like the only reason everyone doesn't say anything is because I'm Katara's brother and I make them laugh. Big friggin' whoop. I make people laugh. It doesn't matter that Katara can bend a river to her will or that Toph can probably bend the side of a crag or that Aang is the friggin' Avatar! Nope all that matters is that I make people laugh. Arghhh! If I'm just a comedian to those in the group then I might as well not even _be_ part of the team. If I left no one would, probably even miss me, I mean it's not like I do anything important anyway.

I laugh bitterly as our think about the roles and labels we've all obtained while on our quest. Katara: prodigy waterbending master. Toph: blind earthbending master. Aang: the Avatar. Sokka: nothing special. I suppress my quivering lip and turn over, snuggling into my sleeping bag.

* * *

The next day at lunch when the others seat themselves at a table outdoors I find a spot by myself on the floor. I don't contribute to the team so there's no reason for me to sit with them. I look down at my smoked sea slug and sit the plate aside. I'm not even hungry. I cast a glance up at the sky, secretly thinking that at any moment the sky is gonna crack open, because me not being hungry upsets the balance of the universe. Ha! Funny. Like anything I do is significant enough to upset the balance of _any_thing.

"These people have no idea how close they came to getting toasted last night." I hear Aang say.

"Yeah, the only thing about being in disguise is we don't get the hero worship anymore. I miss the love."

That's it, I can't take it anymore. They can all do extraordinary things with their bending and here they are complaining about not getting the glory they used to receive. The sarcastic, wisecracking, carefree mask I've been wearing for so long finally cracks. "Boo hoo poor heroes." I say with as much sarcasm as I can manage. They just don't know how good they've got it.

I know Katara is staring at me with those piercing blue eyes. She knows something is wrong, I'm never this sour towards them and my food would usually be digesting at the moment instead of growing cold. "What's your problem? You haven't touched your smoked sea slug."

I can't hold it in any longer. I'll burst if I do. "It's just that…All you guys can do this awesome bending stuff like putting out forest fires, flying around, and making other stuff fly around. I can't fly around okay." I feel like crying, but I compose myself. "I can't do anything."

Katara, as usual, comes to my rescue. "That's not true. No one can read a map like you." She points out.

"I can't read at all." Toph adds.

"Yeah, and who keeps us laughing with sarcastic comments all the time? I mean look at Katara's hair." Aang grabs my sister's hair and gestures to it. I know he means well, but Katara is really sensitive about her hair. "What's up with that?"

"What's wrong with my hair?" She flushes and tries to cover her hair from sight.

"Nothing, I was just trying to…" He tries to apologize.

They're trying to make me feel better, but it doesn't help. At all. "Look, I appreciate the effort, but the fact is that each of you is _so_ amazing and_ so_ special, and I'm not." My shoulders fall and I look away. "I'm just the guy in the group who's regular."

Katara sits next to me and puts an arm around my shoulder. "I'm sorry you're feeling so down, but I hope you know that none of us see you that way." She pauses a moment and I can nearly hear the gears in her head spinning. "I know something that's gonna make you feel better."

I glance up hopefully. "You do?"

"Yep." She stands, smiling down at me in that odd motherly way that only she can manage. "Hold on." She makes her way to the others and they huddle together in a tight circle. I can hear whispers and Aang cranes his neck to look at me once or twice.

That's it, let them huddle together without including me, it's not like I'm anything special anyway. "What are you guys talking about over there?" I ask, curiosity getting the better of me.

They break the circle and Aang smiles impishly at me. "Follow us."

* * *

Moments later we're walking down the street making our way past Fire Nation citizens. I know where we're going. We're going to Pang's Weapons Shop. I've been there before, but I just didn't have the money to buy anything. How sweet, they're taking me shopping. They know 

me well; shopping for weapons usually makes me feel better when I'm feeling blue. Now, however, is not one of those times. I know that no matter what weapon I buy it still isn't going to make up for the fact that I can't bend, that I'm just the comic relief to them, that-that I'm just the regular guy that's nothing special. But, I'm not going to make them feel bad just because I feel like crap right now. So, instead I take the inferiority and ineptitude I feel within and tuck it away inside. I hide my true feelings behind the mask I've been wearing since we've been on our journey. I act really enthusiastic when I enter the weapon shop. "Shopping!" I shout as eagerly as I can muster and go about the shop searching for weapons. Of course, it's not like I don't need a little something to add to my arsenal.

Shopping however, doesn't solve things, not in the least, it's just a band-aid, a band-aid for an open wound. But I conceal what I feel and throw it aside and try my best to seem pacified. That's when I see it; the sword framed above all the others. It's gorgeous like the Holy Spirit Mother of swords. I want it. Bad. "Ooo." I say and closely examine the exquisite details along the hilt and scabbard. "That's what Sokka's talking about."

The old shopkeeper smiles and tells me that the sword was made by Piandao, the best sword master and maker in the Fire Nation. Aang suggests that I need a master and the rest agree. So after a split second decision I decide to go talk to him. I hope that he sees something in me, something that I don't see in myself. If not, then, he will never train me and I don't think I'll ever have the same self-confidence that I once possessed.

* * *

Night settles in on the camp. All others are sitting by the fire eating dinner and telling jokes, but not me. I stand on the bluff overlooking the waterfalls and reflect upon the things that I've learned over the past two days from Master Piandao. I must admit I thought he would just teach me how to use a sword, but he taught me much more. His words will never leave my mind:

"_The first thing you must learn is that your sword is an extension of yourself. You must think of it as another part of your body…The sword is a simple tool, but in the hands of a master it becomes the most versatile of weapons, and just as the imagination is limitless so too are the possibilities of the sword."_

"_When you write your name you stamp the paper with your identity. You must learn to use your sword to stamp your identity on the battlefield. Remember you cannot take back a stroke of the brush, or a stroke of the sword."_

"_Landscape teaches the warrior to keep the lay of the land in mind. In battle, you only have an instant to take everything in."_

"_Rock gardening teaches the warrior to manipulate his surroundings and use them to his advantage."_

I smile nostalgically and think about when I made my sword last night. It wasn't easy, actually it was hard, really hard, but I never wanted to quit. I knew that when I finished I wouldn't just have just a sword with a blade made of a space rock, but an extension of myself. It would become a tool, my closest ally in battle when my back was against the wall. The sheath whispers when I draw my sword. I look at it and brush a hand over the cool blade, caressing the material. Once again I hear Master Piandao's words in my mind:

"_Sokka when you first arrived, you seemed so unsure. You even seemed down on yourself, but I saw something right away. I saw a heart as strong as a lion turtle and twice as big. And as we trained, it wasn't your skills that impressed me. No it certainly wasn't your skills. You showed me something beyond that. Creativity, versatility, intelligence…these are the traits that define a great swordsman. And these are the traits that define you. You told me you didn't know if you were worthy, but I believe you are the most worthy man I have ever trained."_

I grip the sword's hilt tightly and swallow the lump in my throat. It felt better than eating a strip of genuine seal jerky (and I haven't had seal jerky in like forever) to hear him say that. Master Piandao the greatest swordmaster and maker in an entire nation actually praised me, and told me that I was worthy. I am happy to have met him. He made me feel worthwhile, like I am a part of this team and not just Katara's wisecracking brother.

An image of Toph bending the pieces of space rock I had left over into different shapes play in my head, but this time my heart doesn't sink and my shoulders don't sag. It doesn't hurt anymore, not being able to bend, because now I know that I do contribute to the team and I'm not just the guy in the group that's nothing special. I try a few practice swipes with the sword and Master Piandao's words come to mind, as if he's whispering in my ear. I cast a few timid glances over my shoulder. Yeah, I know what you're thinking, but you never can be too sure:

"_Sokka you must continue your training on your own. If you continue on this path, I know that one day you will become an even greater master than I am."_

My heart swells in my chest and I take in a deep breath, still overwhelmed that such a wise and respectable person would ever say anything like that to me. I remember his words and I know that I mustn't just memorize his words, but I must put them into practice and continue to train. I know that I will probably never be as good as Piandao, but I will train to the peak of my ability. I will prove that not being able to bend doesn't mean anything, because I am useful and I will utilize these traits that I have to help in defeating the Fire Lord. A crisp wind blows past and I close my eyes, allowing it to toss my hair. I smile and speak, as if the breeze can somehow carry my words to Master Piandao. "I _will_ make you proud master."

* * *

**Yay! I finished the second chapter. Next up it will either be Toph in "I wish" or Katara in "Dreaming of the Sun, Holding on to the Wind". I'll figure it out soon. Oh and the rest will start out during the quest, but more than likely end up as a postie. Read and review, mi amigos. Gracias.**

**Love ya**


	3. Dream of the Sun, Hold onto the Wind

Blah, blah, blah, I don't own ATLA and all that jazz.

**Dreaming of the Sun, Holding on to the Wind**

_Whoosh! _Fire flies in an arch from Aang's feet. He's become a powerful firebender, a lot stronger than he was three years ago. Puberty suited him well; he's taller with well-defined muscles rippling through his arms and belly. He's handsome, that's not hard to see, especially not for me, his designated girlfriend of three years. But, something's wrong I can feel it and have felt it for months now. It happens again. From my place on the grass, I find myself watching Aang more intently and as the fire dances from his limbs I find myself secretly wishing that he were _him_. Dreaming, daydreaming, that Aang has hair, darkest brown tresses that fall in his face rakishly and his eyes are amber, burning with an intensity rivaling that of any blaze of fire. I wish he were Zuko and I know it's wrong. My mind drifts to the first time we were merely inches from each other.

The pirate's caught me alone trying the same stance Aang had mastered without breaking a sweat, the water whip. I managed to smack one pirate with the water whip and turned to flee, but I ran right into Zuko:

_Zuko grabbed my wrists in a vice-like grip, staring down at me with those eyes that seemed to rage like a steady flame. "I'll save you from the pirates."_

_He was lying. I knew he was lying, but for some odd reason, I couldn't keep my eyes off of his. Then, he and the pirates tied me to a tree. What a mood killer._

"_Tell me where he is and I won't hurt you or your brother." He demanded harshly._

_Pftt. Yeah right. "Go jump in the river!" I said defiantly, secretly wishing that looks could kill, because boy was I staring daggers at him. The corners of his mouth twitched, and I expected him to shoot fire at me, but he did something I had not anticipated. He lowered his voice._

"_Try to understand, I need to capture him to restore something I've lost. My honor. Perhaps in exchange I can restore something you've lost." His voice was low, silky in its tone, the voice of a smooth operator._

_That's when if felt it, my mother's necklace against my throat. Shock ran through me. He held it there for a moment and I couldn't help but inhale his mesmerizing scent and feel his delightfully warm breath brushing across my cool skin. Then, he strutted away._

I raise a hand and graze my fingers over my cheek longingly allowing them to trail to my neck. Zuko's face enters my brain and I shudder, unintentionally. Sokka, who's lying on the grass next to me, looks my way.

"Are you okay Katara?" He asks.

I glance at him, trying to let my eyes not fall to the goatee he's decided to grow, and then smile weakly. "I'm fine Sokka. What about you? Aren't you _supposed _to be asking Suki to marry you?" I say with a hint of playfulness. "You guys have been dating for three years."

He gives a light shrug, although I know he's struggling to deal with the issue of not being a bachelor anymore once he carves that necklace and pops the question. "Yeah, but she said she wants to wait a while and plus I've still got a lot of adventure still left in my blood."

"Is that why she went back to Kyoshi?"

He gives another shrug, but this time it's a lot more dispirited than the first.

"Sokka—"

He sits up. "I think I'll go find us some firewood." He says abruptly, stands, and hurries away.

I look at the pile of gathered firewood on the far end of the campsite and raise an eyebrow. I get to my feet and dust my Earth Kingdom colored pants off, but before I can follow Sokka Aang distracts me.

"Hey Katara." He says. His voice has lost that high-pitched tone of a prepubescent boy and dropped into the deep richness of a guy well into his teenage years.

"Yeah Aang?" He draws me into his arms and we share a warm kiss. "Aang? What's wrong?" He flashes me that smile, the wide one that always brightens my day.

"Nothing, I just wanted to hold you."

I smile and blatantly blush. "Oh Aang." We embrace and I lay my head on his chest. My thoughts drift to Zuko once again, and I attempt to squash the tremor that ran through me when he enfolded me in his arms. This is wrong. I can't think of Zuko while Aang, my boyfriend, holds me, it's just not right. I close my eyes and try to focus on the beat of Aang's heart drumming steadily in my ear. I can't let anyone, not Toph or Sokka, know about these feelings coursing through me, especially Aang. I can never let another soul know that I dream of the sun while I hold on to the wind.

* * *

Night falls and while everyone else slumbers I sit upright on my sleeping bag, watching the campfire flickering steadily and letting its calming crackle wash over me. The fire is warm like Zuko. I inhale, letting my lungs fill with air, taking in the fire's odor. Again my thoughts guiltily find their way back to the new Fire Lord and that night we fought in the Spirit Oasis at the North Pole. I had been skeptical if I could beat him first, but had charged in anyway, for Aang's sake. But the more we fought things began to feel…different. Every time our elements clashed together it felt exhilarating, thrilling and, even after he had defeated me, my body still tingled. I let out a shaky breath and wrap my arms around my knees.

This is wrong. It's criminal. What do I do? Why do I long for Zuko's touch when Aang holds my hand? Why do wish I were looking into amber when I gaze into gray? Why? Why is it that my lips are not satisfied by the sweet kisses that Aang bestows upon them oh so readily, but instead long to taste the heat of Zuko's? Why do wish I could see Zuko when Aang is next to me? Why, why, why, why, why, WHY?! I'm Aang's, the Avatar, girlfriend. I should be happy. I should be thanking the spirits. But I'm not.

Zuko haunts me. His smile, the grace of his movements when he firebends, the tone of his voice, the way his eyes flicker when he's upset, the passion that exudes from him. He invaded my waking thoughts long ago and now he has made his way into my dreams, encompassing them effortlessly. Guilt stabs into me like a well aimed katana sword, piercing me to the core. Tears sting my eyes and I grip a fistful of my hair out of frustration. I love Aang, right? I chose him. So why do I feel this way? Why do I yearn for him? Why do I long for a man hundreds of miles away when the man that loves me unconditionally is at my side?

Aang has always been by my side. He's always been there for me when I needed him, always. He's saved my life more times than I can count without thinking about his own safety, and he's never thrown it up in my face. I smile affectionately at his sleeping form. He loves me so much and never hesitates to tell me so everyday. Why isn't it him that I want to profess his undying love for me? The fire begins to flicker, alerting me of its weakened state. I stand, make my way to the end of camp, going around Toph's earth tent, and stop at the pile of firewood. I pick up a suitable log and hurry back to the camp and throw the log in the fire. It leaps with newfound strength and burns strongly, blessing me with warmth.

A chill runs through me, but it's not from the cool breeze whispering by, it's from another image of Zuko playing in my mind. This time it's when we were imprisoned beneath Ba Sing Se:

"_I'm sorry I yelled at you." I say truthfully. I never knew that he had lost his mother to his own nation. It makes me feel even more hatred for the Fire Lord._

"_It doesn't matter." He says dismissively, but I can sense that I had hurt his feelings._

_I decide to try to explain myself. "It's just for so long now, when I would imagine the face of the enemy, it was your face." A subtle hint of injure passes in those yellowish eyes._

"_My face." He turns away and touches the scar on his face._

_Truth be told, I always found that his scar made him sexy. So I end up explaining myself again. "No, no that's not what I meant."_

"_It's okay. I used to think that my scar marked me. The mark of the banished prince cursed to chase the Avatar forever. But lately, I've realized I'm free to determine my own destiny, even if I'll never be free of my mark." _

_There is so much anguish, so much bitterness, so much suffering in his tone, that I cannot help but be moved. I make a split second decision. I'm going to help him. "Maybe you can be free of it." I say._

_A glimmer of hope flickers in his eyes, eyes that I have come to really enjoy gazing into. "What?"_

"_I have healing abilities." I inform him._

"_It's a scar. It can't be healed."_

_I reach under my shirt and produce the water Master Pakku gave me from the spirit oasis. I desperately want to help him. No one should have to bear such a scar, especially when it can be healed. "It's water from the Spirit Oasis at the North Pole. It has special properties so I've been saving it for something important." I close the gap between us, trying not to succumb to the heat that seems to emanate from him. I don't know if it would work but…" My sentence trails off when I look into those limpid amber pools and perceive the evident indecision in them. I hope he agrees._

_He stares at me a little longer, and then closes his eyes in quiet acceptance._

_I hold back the breath of relief that hangs in the back of my throat and swallow inaudibly. I touch his face to examine his scar and it takes all my strength not to allow my hands to travel over the rest of his handsome features. I want to run my hands through his dark tresses and sample those lips of his. My knees wobble and I am thankful that he doesn't open his eyes for fear he might see the scarlet color painting my cheeks. Again I swallow and--_

"Ya alright Sugar Queen?" Toph, who now stands beside me, asks.

My heart nearly jumps out of my chest and I gaze up at her with abundant annoyance. "Yeah, I'm fine."

She pauses for half a second and then her rosepink lips purse. "You're lying."

Dang it! I forgot she could detect if a person's lying. It's usually a useful tool, but also extremely annoying at other times. "So?"

She folds her arms over her breasts, which are already bigger than mine by the way, and softens her voice. "Ya wanna talk about it?"

I snort. "No."

She looks up at the cloudy sky and flips her abundant black locks. "Whatever. If ya wanna talk, I'm here. Just don't get gabby when I wanna sleep." She struts towards the forest.

"Where're you going?"

"I gotta pee." She answers bluntly.

I groan. "Sorry I asked." I shout.

She merely throws up a finger, finally not the middle one, and disappears into the woods.

I chuckle warmly. Toph hasn't changed in three years. She will never change, and for that I am truly appreciative. I curl my fingers around the small stick next to my feet and absently poke the fire. Instantly Zuko's face plagues my mind and then Aang's. I can't, I cannot keep doing this. I cannot keep thinking about two men, both of whom I care for deeply. I'll have to choose, but it's so hard. So for now, I'll keep dreaming of the Fire Lord, while I hold on to the Avatar.

* * *

Morning comes, bringing with it the sunrise and a new day with new opportunities. I rise from my sleeping bag and walk across the dew covered ground to find the nearest body of water. Long before I see or even hear the babbling pond, I sense it. I stride forward and a few moments later I stand in front of a medium sized pond. The water calls to me promising to soothe my aches and pains, be they external or internal. I strip down to my undergarments and dive in. The chill from the pond surprises me at first, but, after a few lazy strokes, I emerge and start to waterbend.

Without fail, my thoughts waft to Zuko and I recall the time he spent with us while training Aang. I was angry with him at first, not for betraying Aang, or siding with that evil witch he called a sister, but because he broke my heart. In the caves of Ba Sing Se, he gained my trust, if not more, but when he attacked us, attacked me, I couldn't believe it. I cried for a long time after that, well ninety percent of those tears fell for Aang, but ten fell for Zuko, and I hated myself for it. I threatened his life after he came to help us, and I meant every word. It wasn't until he helped me find the man that killed my mother did I warm up to him:

"_I will never forgive him." I say to Aang, after he asks me do I forgive the Southern Raider who murdered my mother. There was no reason for me to lie it is too obvious. I will always and forever hate him. I turn and smile at Zuko, duly noting the way the sunlight dances in those golden eyes. I walk to him. "But I am ready to forgive you." I embrace him, trying my best not to snuggle my face into his shirt. Tui, he smells great like sandalwood, spices, and the subtle hint of masculinity. All the hostility, mistrust, and resentment I felt for him melts away. I feel Aang's questioning gaze and I release him. I smile again, this time a lot warmer than before, and stroll away down the pier._

I bite my bottom lip when I remember how enjoyable Zuko's muscles felt against my cheek during the embrace. I shudder again when he pervades my mind, but this time it's without his shirt. A very shaky breath leaves me and my heart rate quickens. I close my eyes in order to let the image remain vivid. I sat on the ground, watching him and Aang firebend, with much more attentiveness than normal. But it wasn't Aang I was watching, it was Zuko. I felt ashamed 

at first, but the more I watched, the less ashamed I became. I sat there, mesmerized as he moved, the corded muscles in his arms flexing and relaxing with each graceful movement. Fire jumped out from his feet and hands again and again, dancing in my eyes, but I didn't move, heck I don't even know if I breathed. Because I was transfixed upon the small droplets of sweat trickling over each rippling muscle sculpted into his belly. Tui, he was hotter than the fire he bended. Then, I remember something Suki had said:

"_Dang."_

_I twitched and then looked at Suki. When did she sit next to me? "W-what?"_

"_Putting aside the fact that he's Fire Nation and that I'm with Sokka," She leaned over to me. "Zuko is hot."_

_I pretend to act disinterested. "I guess, if you go for his type."_

_She rolls her eyes. "Puhlease. He's hot, that's every girl's type."_

I curse myself angrily. Suki was right, he is hot, and he is every girl's type. What am I going to do? I can't dream of one man while holding on to the other. It's wicked, criminal. The Great Spirits must have some kind of law against it. I mean he and Aang are so different. Aang is optimistic, considerate, selfless, kind, and good-natured. Zuko however is like the very element he bends, passionate, raw, driven, honorable, life-giving. Tui, La, if you two are listening, please help, because I have no idea what to do.

"Katara are you okay?"

I crack open an eye and look at Aang only to realize that I have long since stopped waterbending. "Uh yeah, I'm fine."

He smiles at me with a slight hint of impishness. "Do you want any company?"

I chuckle. "And what kind of company will I be in?"

He pulls off his pants, unabashed, revealing his underwear, and struts into the water. "Just to practice."

A grin crawls across his mouth and before I know it, I'm in his arms. "Aang. I thought you said we were going to practice."

He grins again. "But I didn't say we would practice now." He kisses me deeply.

* * *

We arrive in Ba Sing Se right on schedule, Iroh has just closed his teashop for the night, which means there will be no scores of customers overwhelming us with questions. Sokka guides Appa to the back of the teashop and we all jump from the enormous sky bison onto the stone ground.

"Mm-mmm." Sokka says while rubbing his belly. "I can't wait for some orange blossom tea." He's the first one to the door.

The door swings open before Sokka can knock and Uncle Iroh stands in the threshold with an amiable grin on his features. I notice that he's regained the weight he lost during his stay in the Fire Nation's many prisons. One-by-one he wraps us all up in a bear hug. "Come in and relax. I will put some orange blossom tea on for you."

"Yes!" Sokka pumps his arm and he and the others scramble past Iroh.

The older man shoots me a sad glance.

"Thank you for your hospitality Uncle." I say graciously and enter the establishment. It's larger than it was, but it still has not lost the warm and cozy atmosphere that I adore so much. I sit at a table with the others and wait for our tea.

I sit the tray in the middle of the table and Uncle uses the ornate teapot to pour the steaming liquid into the cups. Sokka lets out a happy sigh when he sips the tea. I sit down next to Toph and proceed to blow the heat from tea.

"So tell me what's new." Uncle says, genuinely interested.

The others begin to relate to him the highlights of our adventures we've had over the past three years. I, however, don't participate. I think of Zuko and the day of Sozin's Comet. I think of how he jumped in front of that blast of lightning Azula had meant for me without hesitation. That day was so vivid in my mind and I can remember his expression like it was yesterday. The grimace of pain on his face, his agonizing scream, and the smell of his burnt flesh played in my mind. I remember feeling helpless as he lay on the stone floor of the Agni Kai arena writhing from the aftereffects. Why had he done that? When I asked he merely said:

"_That's what friends do for each other."_

I didn't believe him then, and I still don believe him now. There had to be another reason he had done something so entirely selfless for me. Does he love me? Do I love him? No, I can't love him. I love Aang. Right? I resurface from my musings and listen to the conversation.

Iroh pours himself another cup of tea and then lets out a controlled breath. "Tomorrow I leave for the Fire Nation." He fiddles with his sleeve and then sighs. "You all, I hope, will come with me."

Again he shoots a sad glance my way. What's going on?

"Why?" Toph drains her tea.

"The Fire Lord, Zuko, is getting married in a month."

The word 'married' descends upon me, ripping into my chest with the force of a thousand raven eagles, clawing at my vulnerable heart. I can barely breathe, and quickly I blink back the tears in my eyes.

"That's great!" Aang says happily. "I was starting to wonder if he would ever propose to Mai."

"Yeah." Sokka echoes. "Good for him."

Toph does not speak. I feel her glance at me. She knows I'm hurting.

"That's great." I say half-heartedly. I curse myself for lying so shamelessly. But now is one of those times to lie.

Uncle sips his tea and sends me a knowing glance. "I am glad you all are happy for him, but I'm not."

"Why Uncle?" Sokka asks.

"I don't think he really loves her." He stands and gathers up our dishes. "But he _is _Fire Lord and for him love is a luxury. Maybe seeing his friends again will lift his spirits. Maybe it will change the outcome of the situation. Agni knows, it would gladden my heart to see him truly happy again."

His wise eyes fall upon me, piercing me to the root. I can't take it, I need air. "I'm gonna go get some air."

"Do you need me to come with you?" Aang asks.

"No, I'll be fine." I all but run from the teashop and began wandering down the lantern lit street. What the heck is going on? Zuko's getting married! Destiny is laughing at me I know it. He can't marry her. He can't marry Mai, she's too gloomy, too indifferent, too…Mai. What's wrong with me? Why the heck am I so angry? No, this is not anger. It's jealousy. I'm jealous? I chortle bitterly. I'm jealous because Zuko's getting married? I have no right to be jealous. I'm in a relationship with a great guy. Heck I'm in a relationship with the Avatar and he's madly in love with me. So why isn't that enough? I have to choose, because it's wrong to think of Zuko while Aang holds me and to be angry with him for marrying Mai when I have Aang. I'll only hurt us all. I don't know who I'll choose, but I figure that being in the Fire Nation so near Zuko will boost my decision. Because after all, I can't keep dreaming of the sun while holding on to the wind.

* * *

**Yay! I finally finished this one. Sorry it took so long, but I kinda had to let this one open its own door. Thanks to Avatar Spirit Media for the Episode Transcripts. Reviews are welcome. Thank you.**

**Love ya**


	4. I know

**I don't own ATLA, although I truly wish that I did.**

**I Know**

He doesn't think I know, but I do. I've known for three years now. I knew it the day he left me at the Boiling Rock. I knew it the day I saw the dejection in his eyes as he watched her and the Avatar kiss upon the bridge in front of Uncle's teashop. I knew it the day she said he saved her life by jumping in front of a bolt of lightning for her. I knew it the day he asked me for my hand in marriage. He really doesn't love me, not like I love him.

I look up from my bowl of sea slug tentacles at Zuko, who sits across from me at the ridiculously large table. He has a fork in one hand and a document in the other. I frown. "Do you really have to work at the table?"

He raises his eyes to mine momentarily. "Being the Fire Lord isn't the easiest job in the world, you know." He answers with just a hint of unpleasantness in his tone. "This is an important document, Mai."

He's lying; it's probably just the menu for tomorrow's dinner. He uses work as an excuse to keep from talking to me. "I know, but can you at least put it down so we can at least have a conversation?" I struggle to keep my voice from straying out of its usual stolid tone.

Although it doesn't transfer to his face, I can see the annoyance etched in his amber eyes. "Fine." He sucks up the sea slug tentacles and then, after swallowing, speaks. "How was your day?"

I almost smile. "It was okay. Oh, I finished the guest list for the wedding and skimmed over a few designs the seamstress sketched out for my wedding dress." I say, watching him closely. There it is. I see it. The corner of his mouth slightly twitches. It does that every time we, well I, talk about the wedding.

He swallows. "That's great." He says with a smile, but I know it's not, not to him at least.

I want to cry, I want to scream, but instead, I hide behind that indifferent mask I've carried with me all my life. "What about your day?" I finish my wine and smile when a servant dashes to refill my cup.

"I had a meeting with my board of advisors, signed a couple of documents, checked out the guest list for the wedding, and practiced a little firebending." His tone is dry, like he's reciting a grocery list.

"That's good." We eat the rest of dinner in silence, deafening silence. After we finish eating we listen to the palace musicians rehearse for the wedding for a few hours, by then night 

has fallen. I look at him, tracing his features with my eyes. He's so handsome, even with the topknot, and that scar. I love him deeply, even if he doesn't love me.

"I'll walk you to your room." He states.

I know he doesn't walk me to my room because he wants to, but because it's routine. "Okay." We walk down the corridors of the lavish halls painted in red and overlaid with premium gold, barely saying two words to each other. My hand slips through my dark hair. What do I do? What do I say? Why can't he love me like I love him? I gaze at him as we walk, noting the distant expression on his face. Envy stabs into me. He's probably thinking about _her_, the Water Tribe girl, Katara.

"Your room my lady." He says with a hint of playfulness to his tone.

I smile. He's trying to lighten the mood, but it still doesn't make me feel better. But it doesn't hurt to pretend. "Thank you." I give a bow and take a step forward, closing the gap between us, and, standing on my tiptoes, kiss him. He kisses back, but not with near as much love as I do. And in my heart, I know that he wishes I were her. I draw away, take his hand in mine, and open my door. He stiffens.

"Not tonight Mai." He all but jerks his hand from mine. "I have a lot of work to do. If I'm lucky I'll get into bed at midnight."

Liar! I want to scream, but instead I fold my arms. "Whatever."

His eyes soften when he realizes he's hurt my feelings. "I'm sorry. I-it's just—Good night Mai."

Well, at least he has enough consideration about my feelings to apologize. "Good night Fire Lord." I bow.

He looks away and turns to leave.

"I love you." I say quietly, meaning every last word.

"I love you too." He answers.

He's lying. I don't even watch him disappear down the hall this time. I run into my room and fall upon my enormous bed. Tears fall from my eyes in a steady stream. He doesn't love me, I know it. I know he wishes that I were her, that it's her azure eyes he wishes to gaze into instead of mine, that he wishes my lips were hers when we kiss, that it's her mocha skin he wishes to caress and not my own alabaster silkiness. He wishes I were her. My fiancée wishes I was another woman.

I catch him sometimes, staring up at the sky like at any moment the Avatar's flying bison is going to appear in the sky and land in the courtyard, bringing her to him. He keeps the letter she wrote him in his desk. I found it one day while searching for his inkhorn. He doesn't know I'm aware of it. He loves her, and not me. Why? Why is he marrying me? I sit up in realization, and the tears flow in rivers. He's marrying me because I'm Fire Nation nobility and a practical choice. It's not for love, but because his advisors pressured him. I know that it is not me that he wishes to marry, but Katara. A bitter laugh escapes me. I'm only second string, a default; a way to keep the noblemen off is back, an object, the sensible choice because he can't have the woman he really wants. What am I supposed to do? What do I do when the man I love is in love with someone else?

* * *

I sit on the fountain's edge in the royal garden listlessly gliding my fingers through the water. The turtle ducks in the small pond quack noisily. What a bad day. I feel terrible. I want to go out to the theater, but I don't feel like being social. Life really sucks sometimes.

"Lady Mai." One of the palace attendants says, bowing gracefully.

I raise my eyes to her. "What?" I growl.

She barely flinches. "The Fire Lord wishes to see you in your chambers." Her cheeks redden bashfully.

I don't smile outwardly. "Okay." I stand and glance at the attendant. "You can go now."

"Oh yes my lady. Sorry." She gives two more quick bows before exiting the area.

I hurry to my room. Agni, I hope he's not here already. I open the heavy door and scan the room. No Zuko. A sigh of relief leaves me. I must prep before he gets here. My room, thanks to the palace maids, is impeccably clean already, so all I do to set the mood is close the doors to my veranda, light the scented candles I saved, and put on my skimpy lingerie. Well at least I know I'm not disgusting to him. I undo my hair, and let my jet black locks fall past my shoulders. Now, all I have to do is wait. I don't wait long before the door opens and Zuko walks in. He doesn't even seem notice the trouble I went through to make this seem romantic. He undoes his hair, letting it fall in his eyes. Agni, he's even sexier with his hair down. I turn to jelly and my heart begins to race when he approaches the bed. Before I know it, his lips are devouring mine, and he's easing me down to the mattress.

After we've finished our sessions of ardent lovemaking and my brain is actually functioning again, I lay my head on his bare chest, trailing my hands over his marvelously sculpted belly. I noticed it again this time, I've always noticed it. He never looks me directly in the eye when we make love. He usually fixes his eyes on my nose or my mouth, but never my eyes. I used to wonder why, but now I understand. He doesn't look me in the eyes, because they aren't blue and that reminds him that I'm not her. I know he pretends that I'm Katara while we're at it, that he pretends that I'm the woman he loves instead of the woman he's forced to marry. He even whispers her name when we're done and he thinks I'm asleep. I always act as if I don't hear him, but I do, I do hear him, and it cuts into the recesses of my soul.

I know that I'm only an object to him, that I'm just a way to quench his carnal desires. I know that he would never have risked dying for me, hell he left me on the friggin' rock to rot, well he didn't have a choice, but still. I know that he wanted to tell Katara how he truly felt that day in Ba Sing Se when he saw her kissing the Avatar. I gaze up at him, his expression is solemn and his eyes stare absently at the ceiling. He's probably thinking of her. "Zuko?"

"What?"

"I love you. Do you love me?"

He avoids the question expertly. "That's a stupid question Mai." A yawn too dramatic to be real escapes him. "I'm going to take a nap before I have to go back to work." He closes his eyes and is soon sleeping soundly.

I bite my quivering lip and snuggle my nose into his neck. I know he doesn't love me, but I love him. And that's all that matters right? The marriage will work. My eyes droop and I welcome sleep.

* * *

Dinner is better than it was the day before, maybe it's because Zuko seems to be in an oddly good mood this evening. He's even been just shy of talkative. "You're certainly talkative this evening. I wonder what brought this on." I say, allowing my eyes to sparkle devilishly.

He finishes his dinner, roasted lamb stew, and smiles excitedly. "I have great news."

"Really? Did your dad tell you where your mom is?" I dig into my decadent slice of pie, my second one.

An expression of discouragement passes his face. "No." He sighs and runs a hand over his topknot. "I just got a letter from my uncle saying that he will arrive in three days--"

"That's great."

"--along with the Avatar and his friends."

That's not great. If the Avatar and his companions are coming, that means _she_ will be with them. "That's great." I repeat indifferently. Like I said before, life sucks. Are you laughing at me Agni?

"I can't wait to see them."

I glower at him. "You mean you can't wait to see Katara." My words catch him off guard but he quickly recovers.

"And Aang, Uncle, and Toph, but not Sokka, he drives me crazy." He puts his wineglass to his lips and takes a sip, avoiding my angry gaze.

I know he doesn't love me, but I can't help but love him.

* * *

**Alright! I'm done with this one. Like I said before, these other ones will be posties. Read and review please, and hey ideas for other characters are always welcome.**

**Next up, our favorite hunkahunka burnin' love, Zuko. Xie xie.**

**Love ya**


	5. Burning Love

**I wish ATLA was mine, but, because I can't seem to find a genie lamp and there are no mermaids for me to help, my wish cannot be granted and thus Nickelodeon still owns the show.**

**Burning Love**

I lay in my huge bed gazing up at the ceiling with my hands tucked behind my head. I can't sleep despite the sumptuous covers that I lay under. I keep thinking of _her_, Katara, and those blue eyes that haunt me. I wish she were the woman I was marrying instead of Mai. Not that there is anything wrong with Mai, I mean she's Fire Nation nobility, versed not only in etiquette but the art of pleasure as well. It's just that there's something about Katara that invokes my deepest passions. Like that time we fought in the North Pole. Fighting her was amazing, thrilling, and frustrating all at one time. If I had not been after the Avatar and we weren't enemies at that time, there would have been nothing holding me back from kissing her senseless.

I miss her. I miss her chestnut brown hair, those mystifying blue eyes, that exotic skin, and that smile. Shit. Everything about her calls out to me, to my heart, to my soul. But, I'm getting married soon, to a woman that I don't love nearly as much. I can't help but think of Katara, and no matter how hard I try her eyes always linger in my mind, tormenting me. I will never have her, because she is in love with the Avatar. My love will always burn for her.

* * *

I sit in my office slowly chipping away at the stack of documents next to me. I've been working since sunrise and frankly I'm starting to get a little irritated. I run my hands through my loose hair and heave a sigh. I'll need a vacation once this is over. The door opens. It's Mai. She never knocks, as if I don't need privacy too. "What is it?" I growl, my good mood from yesterday evening dead from being overworked.

She strides to my desk and sits down. "Are you coming to lunch?"

"No." I snap, while reading through an extensive proposition to build a new theater. What's wrong with the old theater?

"Are you coming to the main hall to go over the guest list for the ball tonight?"

"No." I keep reading.

"Do you want to help me pick out the flowers for the wedding?"

I suppress the urge to bite blood from my lip when she says 'wedding'. I've been trying to forget that we're getting married in a few weeks, but it's impossible, because she never stops talking about it. "Not now." I say venomously. "If you haven't noticed, I'm swamped with work."

She leans down and runs her slender fingers over my cheek. "Want me to make it better?"

I can hear it in her voice and see it her eyes. She wants to have sex. She thinks it'll make me feel better. Truth be told, it will make me relax, but I'll only pretend she's Katara again and when things come back to reality I'll only be disappointed that it's Mai lying next to me. So, I decline. "There's no time."

"Are you sure?" She leans forward and we kiss.

Seriously, the kiss is not without its passion, but still I feel myself wishing it was Katara's lips that I possess with my own. I open my eyes when it's over, wishing that instead of staring into hazel, I was falling into blue. "Yeah." If it were Katara, she wouldn't have to ask me twice, we'd already be nude. But it's not Katara. It's Mai. "I'm sure."

I can see the disappointment in her eyes, even though it quickly passes.

"Maybe later. Oh and could you tell Pai I'll take my lunch in my office."

"Yeah." She turns and ambles out of the room, leaving behind a lingering air of sulkiness.

I sigh desperately and comb my fingers through my hair. I'm at my wits end. I love Katara, but she loves Aang. I'm marrying Mai, but I don't love her. Life is shitty, sometimes. A memory surfaces in my mind; it's when Katara and I were imprisoned beneath Ba Sing Se:

_"This is water from the Spirit Oasis at the North Pole. It has special properties so I have been saving it for something important." She walks up to me her eyes shining with kindness. "I don't know if it will help but…" _

_She genuinely wants to help me. I can't believe it. I stare at her a moment, not because I'm struggling with the weighty decision, but because of her features. I skim over her mocha skin that gives off its own healthy glow and to her eyes. Agni her eyes are incredible. I've never been close enough to notice it before but right around the rim of her pupil, the blue in her eyes turns to a light gray color. She's beautiful. I take one last look at her stunning features and close my eyes, silently accepting her offer. I have to quell a sharp intake of breath when she touches me, letting those wiry fingers trail over my scar. Again I have to fight the urge to kiss her._

Ugh! I tilt my head back and blow a stream of fire from my mouth out of frustration. I don't have time for a sparring match, although it would surely take the edge off my mood. I glance at the mountain of documents that need to be signed, approved, and stamped with my royal insignia. Again, I sigh and regard the paper in my hand for brevity. I drop it on the table and take to musing about my life, and eventually my mind, the traitor, dances its way to Katara. I think of how those striking blue depths froze me to the spot when I stared into them, of the way my heart fluttered when she touched me, of the heat that sank its teeth into me when she was so near. I haven't felt that same heat, that raw passion, in three years. Dammit! I lay my head on my desk. I'll never have her, but my love for her will always burn.

* * *

I eat my dinner quietly while Mai prattles on about our wedding day, but at some point I stop and begin to stare at her. Her features are so different from Katara's, heck their personalities are almost exact opposites. Mai's features, although lovely, are common among Fire Nation: dark hair, hazel eyes, fair skin. Katara's are the exact opposite: chestnut brown hair, eyes like the ocean, and mocha skin. Her features are exotic, titillating, just like that fierceness that she displays in battle. Mai doesn't smile much, but Katara's smile is radiant, a quality I find very becoming.

"Why are you staring at me like that?"

I clear my throat. "I just um…sorry." I mumble and look down at my plate. Agni, I love Katara, but I can never let Mai know.

* * *

I gaze up at the starry night sky, hoping to see a sky bison, but six days aren't up yet. I'm alone, something that's hard to accomplish for the Fire Lord so I've learned to treasure my rare times of solitude. My eyes sweep over the training yard and I take my stance. I take in a breath and send a quick burst of fire from my fist. My thoughts skip to Katara, the woman that torments me, as I firebend, each movement fluidly connecting to the next. Her eyes, that smile, her strength, her kindness, that determination all of her, her personality and her beauty, haunts me. I can't keep her from my thoughts no matter if I firebend, immerse myself in my work, or even meditate. She hides within my soul, possessing me completely, tormenting me endlessly. I can never be Mai's. I can only be Katara's.

Why?! I send an arc of fire from my feet. Why me? Why can't I love Mai? Why do I love the one woman I can never have? Why does my entire heart yearn for her? WHY?! Surging blazes of fire leap from my limbs and mouth, but it only pales next to my love that burns for Katara. I continue to firebend, hoping that if I let out enough fire my love for her will dissipate into nothing like the flames that jump from my hands and feet. I will never be rid of her, I will never be free. I remember it well that day I saved her life:

_I fell to the stone ground with a thud. Lightning crackled through my limbs dancing throughout me and setting every nerve in my body on fire. All I could feel was pain and smell my own burnt flesh. Death would come soon. Somewhere in the background I hear Katara._

_"ZUKO!" Her voice was frantic, terrified._

_Despite the excruciating pain winding through me I feel relief. She's okay, Katara's safe. I achieved my goal._

I smile to myself, remembering the worry on her face after she healed me. I'll never forget the smile she gave me or the way her hand rested upon my chest. I knew Katara could never direct Azula's lightning, she hadn't been taught that technique, and if it struck her, she would more than likely die. I saved her not because she was a friend, but because I could not see life without her. I would do anything for her, come hell or high water. "Katara." I whisper softly and fight back a shiver. Even her name affects me. I stop firebending. It's futile; this problem cannot be solved by firebending. I mop sweat from my brow with an arm and decide to go meditate in my room.

* * *

As I walk down the vast corridors of the palace, I recall the letter my uncle sent me. He, Aang and the others will be here in less than six days. That's five days to get the feast and their rooms prepared, and five days for me to learn how to compose myself around Katara. I wonder what she looks like now. It's been three years. She should be at least eighteen. Her breasts are probably bigger, her hips fuller, features more womanly. If she's more beautiful than I remember, then Agni lend me your strength, because mine will probably melt to nothing.

Meditation helped ease my reeling mind and a cold shower the burning in my loins. The moon is high in the sky amidst the twinkling stars before I even crawl into my luxurious bed. I moan happily as the sumptuous sheets and cloud-like mattress rise up to cradle my tired body. Soft pillows covered in red and gold velvet cases support my head. A sad memory stabs into my brain:

_I look around the teashop, smiling at the others who are currently criticizing Sokka's less than artful painting. Instantly I notice Katara is absent_._ I need to go find her. I need to tell her why I really jumped in front of Azula's attack. I need to tell her how I truly feel. I make my way out of the teashop and freeze right on the spot. Katara and Aang are kissing, and both appear to be enjoying it. My heart falls to my stomach. It feel like the floor just fell from under me. I turn away, already trying to erase the image from my brain, and see Mai standing in the doorway. Does she know what I feel?_

_"Well isn't that cute?"_

_"Yeah. Cute." I say and reenter the teashop._

I bite my lip. My heart fell into pieces that day, and I covered it up. She chose Aang, not me. That's just how it is. I was hurt so bad, but I never resented her for it. After all who am I to tell her who to love? Who am I to tell her I want her to love me? I belong to her, my heart, my soul, the very core of my being is hers. She holds me hostage and I will never long to be free. Why do I have to be greedy? Why can't I just be satisfied with what I have? Why do I long for her to love me with every fiber of my person? Because even my dad, the bastard that he is, had the luxury of marrying the woman he loved, and if a horrible person like him was bestowed with love in his marriage, then surely I am deserving of such an emotion in my union. I long for Katara, to feel her love, to make love to her, to fall asleep and awaken with her in my arms, not Mai. "Katara." I whisper, as if it is a crime to say her name aloud.

I love Katara, but I will never have her. My love however, will secretly burn for her until the day I die. I lid my eyes and fall into a peaceful slumber.

* * *

**Aww poor Zuzu, pining away for Katara like that. It's so sad. Anyway, feel free to read and review. Gracias.**

**Love Ya.**


	6. Monster

**I do not own ATLA, but it's all good.**

**Monster**

The stale, musky air in my cell fills my nostrils, waking me. I nestle my nose further into my sorry excuse for a pillow and pull the sheets over my body. The fabric of the sheets is harsh to my skin, like sandpaper and the cot feels like a bed of bricks. But, after three years, I've become accustomed to the barely above squalid conditions of my accommodations. My eyes fall to the dimly lit candle in my cell and rage ascends into me. I cannot firebend, Zuko made sure the Avatar took my bending ability away after it was clear I was not going to conform to his peaceful little world. That stupid candle, my only source of light in the darkness of my cell, is a constant reminder that I am no longer considered a threat.

Covers rustle as I sit up. It's not fair. Zuko got everything and I ended up with nothing. Nothing! I'm the firebending prodigy! I was father's favorite! I was supposed to be Fire Lord! But Zuko got it all, his honor, mother's love, and the throne while I lay in shambles. In a fit of unbridled anger I bolt from my bed, grab the oil lamp, and hurl it against the wall. The container shatters into a million pieces and oil splatters the red steel wall and floor. The fire disappears, snuffed out without its source of fuel, and darkness, except a single shaft of moonlight, surrounds me. I smile, but it falters when a voice echoes in my room.

"What's the matter Azula? Are you mad because for all your sadism and loyalty to father you still ended up with nothing?"

I know that voice. It's Zuko's. "Show yourself!" I command, raking my eyes over the shadowy room. "Stop being a coward Zuzu!" The pompous idiot appears out of the shadows like an apparition sent to torture me. There is a smirk on his face. "What do you want?"

"Nothing."

Frustration digs into me. "Then why are you here!" Zuko's presence is a figment of my imagination that much I know, but despite that fact, I cannot help but speak to him.

"Poor Azula. You deemed yourself some mighty warrior, the firebending prodigy and favorite daughter of Fire Lord Ozai, but now look at you." He scowled, the scar on his face crinkling with the motion. "You're nothing more than a little girl afraid of the dark."

"I am NOT afraid of the dark!" I shout, anger and shame coursing into me all at the same time. My heartbeat quickens and my nostrils flare wrathfully.

Zuko's face remains placid. "Then why are you trembling?"

He's right, I am trembling. "Shut up!" In one quick movement I strike, but he's already gone, disappeared into the shadows, but his voice still lingers.

"You are afraid of the dark."

"Noooo! I am not!" Again, my eyes fall to the broken oil lamp. The fire is gone. I smile. I will do the same to Zuko. I will break him and extinguish his fire, just like the lamp. A wild cackle escapes me. "I will kill you Zuko." After all I've been deemed a monster by so many; I might as play the part.

* * *

Sunlight peeks through the tiny window of my room. Another day on this Agni forsaken place they call a prison. Memories flood my mind, but one stands out in mind, mostly because it was the most recent. The memory is about the weekend I spent with Zuko, Ty Lee, and Mai, before they all betrayed me of course:

_I sat on the rock, listening as the others poured their hearts out like a bunch of bad actors with the beach as their silly makeshift, stage. My brother, of course, was the most theatrical of the three, causing the campfire to burst into a column of flame like a child throwing a tantrum. Then he went on about being sooo confused and not knowing the difference between right and wrong. I called him pathetic and then he and Mai kissed. I couldn't help but be the spoiler, so I clapped my hands slowly, mocking them outright. "Well, those were wonderful performances everyone."_

_"I guess you wouldn't understand," He pulled Mai to him. "would you Azula? Because you're so perfect." The sarcasm in his voice was scathingly apparent._

_"Well yes, I guess you're right. I don't have sob stories like all of you. I could sit here and complain about how our mom liked Zuko more than me, but I really don't care." I gaze into the burning embers of the fire, as if they were the anchor holding back the hitching breath in my throat. "My own mother…thought I was a monster. She was right, of course, but it still hurt."_

I hadn't lied that day. It did hurt that mother thought I was a monster, but I had brushed it off like water off a turtle duck's back, acting as if I didn't care. Truth be told, I did care, all too much. It hurt that mom spent more time with Zuko than with me. Even when she did spend time with me it wasn't like the time she spent with Zuko. I would always do something malicious or say something mean to a servant and she would scold me. Then, she would give me this certain look, like I was some type of monster that she was unable to conform to her standards, shake her head, and the rest of our time would be spent with her silently brushing my hair. It was different when she was with Zuko. Laughter and happiness always rang through the halls when they spent time together.

It wasn't fair. I was the daughter. I was supposed to be mom's favorite, not him. I sigh and sit up in my cot, leaning my back against the hard wall. My life is worse than goat gorilla shit. Oh well, it's morning, time to get ready for the day. I walk to the facilities my dear brother had built specifically for this room and close the door behind me. The shower soothes me and I let the water wash over me sweeping away my anxieties for the time being. Tonight when all is quiet, my thoughts will plague me and I will suffer, but for now I will allow myself to enjoy prison life. I know what you're thinking, prison life cannot be enjoyable right? Wrong. Prison life can be enjoyable when most of the inmates think you're a savage psychopath and cringe when you walk by.

After I finish washing and put own a clean pair of prison garb, I get in a little practicing, and then sit in my cot to wait for breakfast. I hear keys jingling outside, then the deadbolts unhinging, and the door creaks open. A guard carrying a tray of food for me enters.

"Good morning Azula." He strides comfortably to my cot, sits down, and takes off his helmet.

Momentarily, I stare at his handsome features and almost blush when he turns his golden-hazel eyes on mine. His name is Shin, Zuko appointed him to be my guard. He's the one thing that Zuko did right. "Morning Shin." I take the food he hands me and began eating it daintily. I glance up. Shin is staring at me. I smile and he returns it, showing perfect white teeth. He's a really nice guy, perfect for me to manipulate when I want to, but the thing about it is I only manipulate him when I want extra food or more of his time. Weird right? Of course, he's totally frickin' loyal to my stupid big brother, which is why I sleep with him whenever I can. I wish Zuko knew that his precious follower was being corrupted by me, day after day. It would be so sweet to see the expression on his face, but sadly I am denied this simplest of pleasures.

"Are you okay?"

I glance up at him in aggravation.

"Right. You're in prison." He grows quiet. "Did you finish reading the book I gave you?"

"No." I chew a forkful of rice and roll my eyes.

He raises an eyebrow. "Why not?"

"Because I read the end of the book and the two lovers both died in the end so I saw no point in reading the rest." I reply casually.

"That's not the point Azula."

"Look, I like death just as much as the next person, but I refuse to read some sappy novel about two idiotic teenagers that fall in love and then commit suicide, because they can't be together." I say, mustering as much venom into my tone as I can manage.

"And what would you have done?"

"I would have killed the heads of the family and ushered in a new generation." I hear him sigh and his shoulders sag. I hide behind my scowl. It's not that I want to be a monster; it's just that I don't know how to be anything else.

He notices the shattered oil lamp on the floor. "Did you have another episode last night?"

I finish eating and fold my arms. "Yes."

"They're not real Azula. If you ignore them, they'll go away."

"Easy for you to say, you haven't been locked up in a rat hole like some filthy animal and left to rot in hell! And you can still firebend!" I snarl lividly. Anger burns in me like the fire of Agni himself. I want to hurt Shin, I want to cause him pain and he knows it. But instead of cowering like most people, he simply flashes a kind smile accompanied by an understanding nod. As fast as it rises, my anger and murderous intentions subside.

"Feel any better?" He pats my head, like I'm his pet dog.

I want to break his wrist, but oddly this act soothes me. "Shut up." I warn menacingly.

He half-shrugs, gets up from the cot, and stoops to pick up the fragments of glass on the floor.

I stare at his butt, the only thing on him not armored. Okay, Zuko did two good things: he got me a hot guard, with an extremely nice butt. I still hate him, though. "Where were you yesterday?"

He continues carefully picking up the shards and places them in the trash. "My nana came to visit, so I took the day off and took her to a play on Ember Island."

"What was playing?"

"Um…Madame Dragon Fly."

"Was it any good?"

He blushes and runs a hand through his dark hair. "I fell asleep fifteen minutes into the first act."

"You're pathetic Shin." I say before I can stop myself. Immediately I see the injury I've caused mirrored in those beautiful eyes.

"I'll be back for lunch." He strides out and shuts the door behind himself, locking it from the outside.

I listen to his footsteps echoing in the hall until they fade. "Stupid!" I bang my head against the edge of the steel tray in my hands until blood runs freely. "Why do I always have to be so stupid?" A memory of my father echoes in my head:

_I stood in the garden alone, watching the turtle ducks swim when a baby crested sparrowkeet fell from its nest. I watch it flutter helplessly on the ground for a moment, before I decide to help it. I walke to it and pick up the plaintively chirping chick. "I'll help you little bird." _

_"Azula, what are you doing?" I hear my father say._

_I bow respectfully to my father and reply quickly. "The baby sparrowkeet fell from its nest. I just wanted to put it back, because it can't fly." I answer, all the while staring at the menacing raven eagle sitting on my father's shoulder._

_"Put it down." He commands._

_I clench the baby bird protectively in my hands. "But Shen-yu will eat it if I put it down."_

_"Put it down!"_

_I obey and place the baby bird on the ground. It hops once and then twice before Shen-Yu descends upon it. It gives one chirp and I watch as, in a flurry of feathers and blood, Shen-Yu devours it._

_"Had the chick have been strong he would never have fallen out of the nest. It was weak, and thus did not deserve pity." He took his place next to me and put a strong hand on my shoulder, squeezing tightly. "Look at me Azula."_

_I stare up at him with disturbed eyes. _

_"The strong will always prey upon the weak Azula. That is the natural order of things, which is why your great-grandfather Sozin began his conquest and why Fire Lord Azulon continues that quest to this very day. Because the Fire Nation is the strongest and only we deserve to be the dominant race. Are you strong Azula?"_

_I nod, eagerly wanting to gain my father's approval. "Yes father."_

_He leans down. "Then I never want to see you take pity on the weak. Do you hear me?"_

_"Yes father." _

_"If you take pity on them, then you are considered weak, and are deemed unworthy of pity or my approval. You are to control those weaker than yourself, if they are stronger __physically than exploit their greatest fear and use it to bend them to your will, until they lay broken at your feet. You shall show no mercy. Do you understand?"_

_I nod agreeably. "I understand father." It doesn't sound right, but I tell myself that my father loves me and would never tell me anything wrong._

* * *

I wipe away the blood dribbling down my nose with my forearm and slip my hands through my hair, which has grown back to its normal length (thank Agni). The memory vividly replays in my mind. How old had I been when he told me that? Six? No, I was five. I chuckle bitterly. My father told me that I was to be a monster when I was barely out of my toddling years. I always wanted my father's approval, since I never got my mother's. As the years went by I shaped my soul, my psyche, into the monster that incurred his approval. I was considered a prodigy firebender and I used that to my advantage to make all others around me, except my father, seem like chaff in the wind. I learned to manipulate people to read them and attack their most vulnerable thoughts so they would submit to my wishes without question. I became a monster. I became a monster that had her father's approval, but her mother's censure. Another memory plays in my mind. It is the day my father sent Zuko away, but not after scarring him:

_The heat from the wall of flames surrounding my father licked my face. "Yes father?"_

_"Do you know why your brother was sent away Azula?"_

_"Because he was weak father."_

_"Good girl." He motioned for me to join him next to his throne._

_I stand straight and ascend the stairs in the middle of the dais, sitting down proudly next to him. "Don't worry father, I will never be like Zuko."_

_He smiles approvingly at me. "I know my daughter. You are nothing like your mother. You are like me, strong. Will you do whatever it takes to insure the success of our nation?"_

_"I am just like you."_

_He chuckles. "Yes you are." The flames of the fire flicker in his eyes. "You will always have my approval daughter, because you will always follow the path of the strong. Not like your pathetic brother."_

_I smile evilly. "He will never find the Avatar will he?"_

_My father laughs wickedly. "The Avatar disappeared a hundred years ago. Zuko will spend the rest of his days searching for him. He will spend the rest of his days banished on that little ship."_

_I join in on the laughter, burying that part of me that feels a sliver of sympathy for my older brother. "It is rather hilarious isn't it?"_

_He smiles at me and pats my head. "You will never disappoint me, not like your brother."_

_"Never." Silence surrounds us, but one thing still lingers in my mind: what happened to mother. "Father, what happened to mother?"_

_The corner of his mouth sinks into a snarl. "It is none of your concern."_

_"Did you send her away because she was like Zuko?"_

_"I said it is none of your concern!" The wall of fire flares up and the empty throneroom echoes with his booming voice._

_I tremble slightly and bow my head in submission. "Yes father."_

* * *

I lay back on my cot. That was the way father's personality worked. His love was not unconditional like most parents. His love was riddled with conditions. He only loved his child if they were ruthless, power mad, warmongers like himself, and if they weren't he deemed them worthless, like Zuko, and all but disowned them. So, I did everything to keep his approval, but in the end I realized something, approval was the extent of my father's love. The day he bequeathed the throne to me I came to a harsh reality, that after becoming a monster I was nothing more than his lackey, a minion that he expected to fail. I had worked so hard, I killed for him:

_I stood over the Earth Kingdom woman's body, gazing in wonderment at the gaping hole in her chest where my lightning attack had made contact. Some part of me, the scared little girl crying for her mother, feels remorse, but the monster that owns my soul rids me of such a weak emotion. I smirk malevolently._

_The advisor standing behind me raises an eyebrow. "Did you have to kill her?"_

_"She begged for her life." I spit upon her carcass. "She was weak, she didn't deserve to live. She did not deserve pity."_

_"But still..."_

_I whirl around upon him, the stone ground rasping beneath my boot. "You are starting to sound like a weakling yourself Rai. Should I sentence you to the same treatment as this Earth Kingdom rebel scum?" _

_He cowers away from me. "N-no princess."_

_"Good." I turn and in a quick movement send a stream of fire forth that quickly engulfs the woman's body._

_"Your father will be pleased." Li, one of the old cronies that trained me, says._

_I turn and smile haughtily. "I know."_

Seething wrath digs into me. All that work, all those years, doing everything to gain his approval his almost love and then to find out that he anticipated my failure because he thought I was also weak, sent me over the edge. My mind fell into darkness. I lost everything, because of the monster that I became.

* * *

Lunch soon comes and I awaken to the sound of the door opening. I smile at Shin and he returns my smile. "Ummm…Shin I—"

"I know." He hands me one of the trays in his hands and sets the other aside. "Azula." He scolds gently, "you've got to stop doing this." He uses water from the face bowl in my room (hey I told you my brother gave me the suite of all prison cells) to swab away the dried blood and clean the wound. "It's not healthy."

I smile softly and allow myself to enjoy his gentle touch while also greedily gazing at his muscular arms. He's mine. "_I'm _not healthy."

He doesn't reply, instead he pulls a bandage from his belt and sticks it to my forehead. "You're lucky it was just small this time or else you could've seriously hurt yourself." A tired yawn leaves him and he sits on the floor, taking off his helmet. Tensely he massages the bridge of his nose. "It's barely past noon and I've already broken up four brawls. You should've been at the last one it was a real blast. Friggin' jerk almost took my head off with that chair."

What! Someone tried to hurt Shin? This was unacceptable. "What did he look like? Did he have any identifying marks on is body?" I ask demandingly.

Shin wags his head. "No, you're not gonna kill him."

"So it was a he."

He picks his tray from the bed, sits it in his lap, and begins devouring his food greedily.

I sigh and start eating. Slyly, I watch him as he eats, grinning when he uses his fork to shave the glaze from his slice of cake. "You're weird you know that?"

A grunt leaves him and he continues eating.

I guzzle down my water and gaze at the shaft of sunlight shining on his lustrous black hair. He is gorgeous.

* * *

I bury my nose in Shin's muscular chest, taking in his masculine scent. A content sigh flees me when he soothingly begins running his fingers through my near waist-length hair and for once the monster within me is silent. I imagine that I'm back in the palace in my wonderful bed beneath its sumptuous covers.

"I gotta go." He says and then lays there for a few more minutes.

I sit up and look down at him inquiringly. "Why aren't you moving?"

"I said I gotta go not that I want to go." He says almost irritably.

"Whatever." I stretch and roll to the tiny amount of space I have left on the cot. "Go or stay it really makes no difference to me."

The cot creaks when he stands, taking his warmth along with his delicious muscles. "Jeez." He stretches and cracks his lower back. "How do you stand sleeping on that thing Azula?"

I grin impishly. "I'm not an old man." He's only twenty-three, but I can't help but pick at his age when the opportunity arises.

He steps into his underwear and then his pants. "I'm only twenty-three." He says indignantly.

"Exactly." I lay on my side and grin wider when he scowls at me and finishes dressing. I sit up when he leans down and we share a quick smooch.

"See ya later." The door clangs shut and I hear the familiar sound of the locks lodging into place.

* * *

My eyes fly open when I awaken from the horrific nightmare that plagued my slumber. Cold sweat dribbles down my body and my breath comes in heaving gasps. I dart my eyes around the dimly lit room and tunnel my fingers through my hair. Another sleepless night filled with apparitions of my imagination that afflict me only when the activity of the day has ceased and the quiet of nighttime arrives is upon me. In the day the sick parts of my mind circle the fringe of my consciousness but it's only at night, when I am alone with my thoughts, that they truly reach for me. I draw my knees to my chest and wrap my arms around them. I wish Shin were here.

As if my wished were granted by Agni himself, the door opens, letting in more dim light and stale air, and Shin enters the room. "Azula?"

My heart leaps and I must still myself to keep from jumping into his arms. "Shin."

He quietly shuts the door and walks to the bed. "Are you alright?"

I see the concern etched in his face. "Now I am." I fall into his arms and he holds me close. "Are you sure no one saw you come in here?"

"Yeah." Tenderly, he kisses my forehead, his neatly trimmed goatee tickling my skin. "You know how the nightshift guys party."

"Yeah, I know." Tonight the monster that I am will lay dormant.

I stare at Shin as he sleeps soundly, noting every last of his features I can see in the dim light. I caress his jaw with a hand. He smiles serenely. Another memory reaches me:

_I sit in the chair watching as my brother wields the knife my fat and lazy Uncle Iroh sent to him from the Earth Kingdom. He fakes death and falls over onto the floor. Idiot. "You waste all of your time playing with knives, you're not even good." He gives the typical reaction._

_He stands with cheeks blazing brightly. "Put an apple on your head and we'll find out how good I am!" _

_I act as if it doesn't matter, but the fact is that Zuko is really good with knives, I just like to belittle his skills because I know he's insecure. I strut over to him. "By the way, uncle's coming home."_

_"Does that mean we won the war?"_

_Zuko's idiocy amuses me. "No. It just means Uncle's a quitter _and _a loser."_

_He puts on a defensive air. "What are you talking about? Uncle is not a quitter."_

_"Oh yes he is. He found out his son died and he just fell apart." I lean against a nearby pillar nonchalantly. "A real general would stay and burn Ba Sing Se to the ground not lose the battle and come home crying." The evident anger blazing in his eyes pleases me. He's such a hot head, ruled by his emotions._

_"How do you know what he should do?" He looks down sadly. Pathetic. "He's probably just sad his only kid is gone forever."_

_We both turn when a shadow approaches the entrance and spills into the room. It's mother. "Your father has requested an audience with Fire Lord Azulon. Best clothes, hurry up."_

_I roll my eyes at the formal title. "Fire Lord Azulon." I mimic. "Can't you just call him grandfather? He's not exactly the powerful Fire Lord he used to be. Someone will probably end up taking his place soon."_

I had only been telling the truth. He was older than dirt with withered lips, white hair, and probably liver spots. But mother, as usual, scolded me.

_"Young lady! Not another word."_

_I ran past her._

She didn't think I heard her last words but I did.

_"What is wrong with that child?"_

I never understood why my mother could not love me for so long, but I figured it out when I hit puberty. She couldn't love me, because my heart was molded from my father. I was a monster just like him. I could never merit her love only her disapproval.

Zuko's face enters my mind and hatred hits me so hard I can barely see straight. I loathe my brother. He always complained about how hard he had it when he was banished. I would always just scoff and roll my eyes, because at least he had the love of one of our parents. I had none. All I had was my father's approval. Even when he was banished he had Uncle there to love and care for him. My father threw me to the wolfbats and taught me how to inflict pain from an early age.

Once again I stare down at the man lying next to me. Does he love me? Do I have a chance to start over with him? I shake my head and slip the tiny sharpened makeshift knife from my pillowcase. I had planned on slitting my wrists with the knife but then I met Shin and all that changed. I don't have to do this do I? Shin and I could just run away together and live in a little house somewhere on the coast right? I don't --? Zuko would never do this; he would never harm someone he loves. Tears stream down my cheeks and I grip the end of the blade, cutting my palm. No, Zuko would never do this, because his heart was molded from our mother's. I however, have my father's heart and I **am **a monster.

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**Yay! Finally done. Whoohoo! Big thanks to Avatar Spirit Media for all those wonderful episode transcripts. Feel free to read and review. Oh and sorry I got off track. Mahalo!**

**Love Ya**


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